When I was a freshman in high school I started dating this guy (let's refer to him as Jerkoff) that was a few years older than me, a senior, and literally the sweetest guy ever. He had that innocent, shy kind of personality that most 18 year old guys have long outgrown. We went to church together, met each others' families, talked for hours on the phone; you know, all of that puppy love stuff. I was in "love". Looking back, I realize that I had no idea what love was. I was an awkward 14 year old who was thrilled to be pursued by an older guy. Deep down I think I realized that something was wrong but I was too naive to accept it.
After a few months it was like a switch was flipped in him. I was a football player and a wrestler so, obviously, I hung out with a lot of guys. Initially this wasn't an issue bu eventually he started getting insanely jealous. He became controlling and possessive. I was told that I wasn't allowed to hang out with any of my male friends. I had to call him each night so he could be sure that I had "gotten home safe". He forbid me from wearing what he considered revealing clothing. He said he did it because he loved me, was afraid of losing me, and wanted to keep me safe. And I believed him.
Then one night I was supposed to meet him at his house. He wasn't home yet, so I decided to watch some TV with his brother while I was waiting. When Jerkoff arrived home his brother and I were sitting on opposite sides of the couch. Jerkoff lost it. He started yelling. We argued. I left the house to go home and he followed me. We argued some more, and before I knew it I was pinned up against a fence with his hand around my neck. Literally all the way around; I was 4'11" and he was 6'2". His brother saw what was happening and came out and pulled him off of me and I ran. I went home and went straight to bed, shaking and sobbing.
I didn't say anything to anybody. I pretty much acted as if nothing had happened. I hid the bruises and avoided my friends and family. The next day he called me. He apologized, told me he loved me and that it would never happen again. He was just scared that I was going to leave him and he didn't know how to deal with that. And, again, I believed him.
Well, guess what; It did happen again. It happened a lot, and got worse and worse each and every time. And every time he was sorry. He apologized. He cried. He begged me to forgive him. And I did.
Then, one night I headed to his house after catching a movie with some male teammates. He asked me where I had been and I was honest (How dare I!?). He threw me down. I got up. He back handed me, multiple times, and I finally had had enough. So I hit him back. I punched him in the face as hard as I could, adrenaline pumping like crazy. I broke his nose, told him I never wanted to see him again and ran home. In all honesty, my bruises didn't even hurt. Hitting him felt so good that it overpowered every pain, every emotion that I had been battling.
It was a terrible situation and the general reaction to my story is, "I'm so sorry that you went through that." But, you know what, I'm not sorry at all. I can't deny it was awful. It scarred me for a long time and, to this day, I still flinch from time to time when a hand is raised around me. But overall it make me a stronger woman. It made me realize how much I'm really worth and that I deserve more than someone like Jerkoff. Controlling a person does not equal love. Apologies are worth nothing unless they go beyond words and show themselves in the person's actions.
I was embarrassed to tell my family and my friends. To this day, there are some of them that have no idea what happened. But I wish I would have told them. I wish I would have had someone there to tell me that this wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one doing something wrong and I didn't deserve it. So I guess the moral of this story is if you, or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't just sit around and wait for the worst. Tell someone. Call the police. Do something, because you never know when the abuser will take it one step further.
Sorry for the mood killer, but it had to be said. I promise most of my posts will be much happier than this. I leave you with some handy dandy websites:
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence/WO00044
http://www.domesticabuseproject.com/
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